Both and

So I still don’t post much here because the truth of the matter is I’m still kind of scared. Scared of being burned.
But, no more.
The fear is NOT gone but feel the fear and do it anyway, amirite?

Y’all know I’m a teacher of children right? And somehow female sexuality can not be discussed if you are in the world of children- even though you don’t get kids without sex so there’s that.
So let’s keep playing ‘let’s pretend.’


This week I was playing a game with my students in class. We’re sitting in a circle and telling a story, one word at a time but each word has to begin with the next letter of the alphabet.
The next kid gets to ‘f’ and says ‘can I say the f word?’
And I say ‘no, you can’t say the f word here.’
‘Why not?’
I laugh.
‘Well, mostly because your parents wouldn’t appreciate that.’
‘My mom says the f word.’
‘So does mine.’
‘So does mine!’
I laugh some more.
They laugh.

‘I know. I think all moms say the f word but polite society, which really isn’t very polite because they allow homelessness and loneliness and ostracization, does not want us saying that word so we won’t be using it in this class.’

And it’s all about the image, right? I mean who am I? Am I a teacher of children or am I a former stripper?
We all say it but we pretend we don’t say it.
We’re all both.

Seriously, the F word is probably my favourite word in the world. If I could somehow make it into a meal, I would eat a fuck sandwich every day.  Or a fuck souffle.  Or roast fuck.
I may have said it upwards of a million times, if not more. For real.

But I also like all the other words AND I like getting paid and having clients so I don’t say that word with my students.
But I do say it with my own kid.
We’re all both.

So how much can I talk about my old life without someone saying ‘Ok, that’s enough. It was ok to say this much, but THAT’S too much. We ARE after all, in polite society.’

What’s too much?
Is it too much to talk about me dancing naked on stage?
Is it too much to talk about whether I liked being naked on stage?
Is it too much to talk about power and money and sex and social dynamics?
Is it too much to talk about persuasion and politics and pussy?
Is it too much to talk about the hypocrisy I see dancing in every corner around me?

But here’s the deal.
Everything is different right now.
This is my life. The only one I have.
I lived it.
Why do I need to pretend I didn’t? When I’m dead I’m dead and all I have left is my truth.
Why can I not incorporate everything I have into my life?
We are all both.

So yes folks, those of you who have been waiting for this, I AM doing it. I am literally writing the memoir NOW.

It wasn’t time when I started this blog and this page, but I had to put both out into the world to show and tell people “This is who I am/was and if it’s TOO MUCH for you, I get it. I have something extraordinary I can give your kids because I have lived through pain and fear and I know how to walk through it. I know how to walk through fire and I can give your kids that skill if you want them to have it enough. But if I am TOO MUCH for you then I get it. I have been honest with you so you can MAKE that choice ahead of time. But please don’t be awful as you leave. Please leave with compassion. After all, we are all both.’

I am giving people an opportunity to learn. About me, about themselves, about the nonsense we make people live with in the world.

It’s probably going to be TOO MUCH.
Because it will be BOTH.


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2 comments on “Both and”

  1. Dave Reply

    Hey, Paula!

    I can’t wait to read this memoir!

    Love the “Look both ways” picture. Perfect for this post.


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