Where’ve you been?

Well, I’ve been trying to un-school my daughter, battling shingles, re-imagining my marriage with my husband, reading, be-ing.

I’m going inside.  Inside without an agenda except to explore and chronicle.

Stuff I’m reading is helping me re-member myself and discern what is important to me.  I read Tori Amos’ biography.  She is important to me because I used to dance to her music every day after summer 1998.  In fact, her music was the last set I ever did.  It was so meaningful to me – representative of the missing female power, and especially the missing sexual female.  All those archetypes that I identified with.  I felt her music in every cell and lived it on stage.
After I left the business, I left her behind too and all that she represented to me.  I feel embarrassed that I unceremoniously – (actually that’s not true, I actually had a book burning when I first became Christian so that’s pretty ceremonious, isn’t it?) dumped her and so many other things that gave me life for so long.  ( I need to make sure I don’t do the same now with Christianity.)

Read “The Bridge, The Life and Rise of Barack Obama”.  This one is meaningful to me because before I became a pro-lifer Christian, this would have been really important to me.  Really important.  I was very much into politics at one point and more than once have been asked to run for office.  I feel like I missed all of Obama’s presidency, the re-shaping of the psyche of the nation, the world.  In many ways, I identify with Obama being a bridge.  He was a bridge between the black and white world, the low-income and the ivy league, the civil rights movement and the post civil rights movement.
I feel like a bridge between the pagan and Christian world, the Protestant and Catholic, the normal world and the underground world and so many others.  My strange wide range of experience enables me to empathize with a large number of people and I want to be able to bridge gaps as I see them widening everywhere I look.

Next is When Breath Becomes Air by by Paul Kalanithi (the neurosurgeon/philospher who wrote his memoir as he was dying) and then The Chronology of Water by Lidia Yuknavitch.   (This one I suspect will push me into a level of honesty I may be afraid of.) Also want to re-read the Gnostic Gospels by Elaine Pagels and Mystics and Zen Masters by Thomas Merton.

There is a universe where the Christ is not patriarchal and the Magdalene is revered.  This is the universe I am seeking to let myself BE in.

Then I think it will be time to dive back into the memoir.

I put the kid in school last week.  Like a regular mom.  Sheesh.  Still working around it so the routine has not sunk in.  The time has not arrived yet- I mean the time that I need to write IN.  It is almost here, I can smell it.  I am anxious.

Shall I have conversations with Paula Snellgrove, the girl I was until 18, Paula Scott, the woman I was until 34, Paula Hoile, the woman who married for the wrong reasons and Paula Howley?  Wouldn’t that be interesting?  What would it reveal?

Also, I want to track my music sets because they reflect my spritual and political development.  Lots to do.





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4 comments on “Where’ve you been?”

    • Paula Howley Reply

      I think it was my body and mind saying “We don’t want to do anything for a while.” and I’m down with that but I get pretty antsy after a few weeks Viv. Looks like I’m all healed up. Thanks. 🙂

  1. chelsea @ the new wifestyle Reply

    sounds like some serious heart and soul searching is happening and i’m so glad you are doing that. these all sound like interesting books and i’ll have to keep my eye out when i look for another read.

    i would be fascinated and enthralled to see life’s lens as all of the paulas have seen. actually, i suppose they are all you right at this exact moment.

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