So, I actually hired a very interesting business coach today who is going to whip my ass for 69 days while I get into a pattern of writing the stripper memoir I have been talking about writing for damned close to 20 years.
A 20 year wait. Man, that even sounds embarrassing. But don’t forget I was drunk for 8 of those years and had a hangover for 3 or 4 after that. It’s taken me a while to figure out who I am and I’ve taken a lot of REALLY unexpected roads. It’s finally time to get out of the car and look back at where I’ve been.
I’m excited about what’s coming. It’s all been very serendipitous and yes, I feel a bigger hand is guiding me. I’m not going to name that hand but I am going to say thank you for leading me where you have, thank you for my life.
I read a complete stranger’s stripper blog tonight. Looks like she hadn’t written in it for over a year but I so enjoyed stepping back into that world for a while. And I remembered some of the odd things I experienced, some of the beautiful happenings, some of the fun, and some of the violence.
When I moved to Christianland, not long after quitting the biz,(I have retained my passport and am visiting other lands right now – I also have many friends who still live there and I love them very much) I felt that I had to renounce my past. I had to call Paula Scott (my stripper name) a very bad girl who was clearly misguided and in desperate need of Jesus. And in many ways, she was. She was pretty messed up folks. But she was honest, and interesting, and she did some pretty amazing shit, even under the influence. I won’t throw her under the bus anymore. I love her. She tried.
It’s been 12 years since I left the business and oh yes, a lot has changed. But reading that woman’s blog showed me that not much has changed at all. It’s still a really hard job and it’s still really hard to talk about it with ANYONE who wasn’t there too. And when people are at a party and talking about what colleges they went to and how they spent their 20’s, I mostly don’t chime in because I don’t know if judgement will be there or if I’m just imagining it. And it’s really just kind of awkward.
But I do know that I am 47 years old and I was in the business in one form or another for 16 years- a full THIRD of my life. I’m tired of dodging questions, being afraid of what people will say or think- and it’s a very real fear. I teach public speaking to kids. I can only IMAGINE what people think.
And therein lies much of my problem. I do too much imagining.
So I’m on the back nine here folks, I don’t have time to dick around anymore. I want to live my life with as little fear and as much love and integrity as possible. I am still teaching myself this. It is REALLY hard sometimes to be honest. It’s sometimes easier not to say anything at all.
Until is isn’t. So I’m throwing myself out there into the world, at the mercy of public opinion, risky to myself AND my family. But the bottom line is I have to live my life with integrity or I’ll literally make myself sick. I have to be able to look back without any more regrets. It’s a one-shot deal people.
I love Paula Scott because I am her and she was me. I’m going to write about us and let us be free.